Midway through A Time to Stand, I become diagnosed with moderate seasonal depression. Below are answers about how I overcame it through praise and perseverance. No matter what you're facing, I pray you'll remember that not all storms last forever, as "there is no victory outside of God, and there is no defeat with Him" (Scotty Gibbons).
Q: When did you start to feel depressed? How did it progress?
A: There was pain in the loss of our home, friends, and family. But it did not start entirely because of loss; I turned to Carissa, the head cheerleader at my new school, for security in my identity. When she wouldn’t smile at me in the hall, I took it personally. When her friends went out to eat and I was left alone in the cafeteria, I let it bother me. This creeps in heavily throughout Chapter 6’s “Choices” as I am about to join cheer but I feel hesitant and insecure. How I tried to substitute my void of meaninglessness was toxically consequential.
Depression came through disorientation - it was a mix of the chaos of our rental house home life, the pressure to fit in and join a clique before I became a social outcast, and then, like a straw that broke the camel's back...
““I’m getting a what?”
“Mr. Groath emailed last night suggesting a nice, retired teacher named Amy Kim for out-of-school math tutoring.” Mom says.
Unbelievable. This is exactly what I needed right now. Just when I thought I was going to make it with the sharks at OEH, here I am sinking." (A Time to Stand)
Q: How did you get out of it?
A: The harsh wind of a March morning, running with tears in an unfamiliar neighborhood, running in tears on the rough, red track at an unfamiliar school, was God’s way of taking my life with all its ideals for comfort and security to death. It was a dying of self, the submission of demanding for a place with the cheerleaders and any proposed plan for my life. When our dreams are out the window, we feel purposeless.
But only when we die to our own purpose can we find our real identity in Christ, one that is not tied to a state, a building, or a friend group. Track taught me how pain can be good for us. Track taught me not to give up. Track taught me that God cares about every detail of our lives, and that He saw me in this new city running in circles, and that He would see me to the finish line.
Q: If you could go back and do anything differently, what would you do?
A: I wish I had pushed myself into the light more. It is easier to stay under the covers. It’s easier to hide depression, either by ignoring it or by magnifying it through excessive research and emotional instigation, self-loathing, etc. To get out of your own head is critical, and I wish I had acknowledged my depression early on and not let it dig me into a hole.
Q: Were there any clinical treatments?
A: Every situation is different. My counselor did offer medication, but personally, recovery came from the track. Because my diagnosis was ‘seasonal depression’, it was triggered from circumstances. In my mind, I decided to do adverse reaction by putting myself somewhere purposefully uncomfortable. It was both instinctive and naturally unappealing, fighting the wind without speed and friends all while being in pain from my feet and struggling not to pass out due to a pre-existing autoimmune disorder. God used the act of nature, exercise, and individual endurance training to train my mind.
Q: Any advice for those who are in a dark season?
My mind was restored as I began copying scripture, by writing it on my hand and wearing it on my wrist, by writing it on a mirror and by sleeping with my Bible in my hands. Believing these truths and acting in a physically defying way to attacks on my mind. If you know yourself well, you can detect patterns from past valleys that either helped or hurt you. Finally, don’t trust yourself! Søren Kierkegaard once said, “Of all deceivers fear most yourself!” It is true. God’s Word is ultimately to be trusted. How comforting we have a guide. How comforting there is such a thing as ultimate truth. Know that God cares for you, He sees you, and He has a plan for your life that far outweighs anything you can imagine or dream. Memorize His promises.
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“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” – Psalms 34:18
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” – Matthew 11:28
“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:7
“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope” – Lamentations 3:21
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